giving thanks

This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. I had the most wonderful day with my mother. We walked through the forest and on the beach and had a lovely meal together.

Today followed on the heels of yesterday-an epically bad day. I couldn’t get out of bed and I pretty much just melted down into a puddle of unhappiness.

But, as always, my friends prove to be super awesome and pull me out of the quagmire.

So, I would like to give thanks.

To my friends

To my mother and father for being infinitely supportive and understanding

For my job, which fulfills me in so many ways

For food and a roof over my head

For the beauty of the place I live

For my general health

For all of the experiences, good and bad, that I have had and continue to have in my life

I am more lucky and more loved then I realize.

not just a dumping ground

my intention with recording this process is not just to have this thing be dumping ground for me to bitch and complain and moan.

but this morning, it’s nice to have somewhere to right this out.

this week has been tough. i only got to the gym once and i have eaten so badly. not every day, but like one meal a day has been usually something from a restaurant and probably had something deep fried involved.

oh, plus booze.

on friday night i had some drinks out with a friend and then, stumbling home at 1 in the morning, thought i would stop for a snack of pizza, even though i wasn’t hungry. it was like pure habit, like an automaton pre-programmed. i got the pizza, i went home, i ate it. and i went to bed with a sore belly and woke up feeling gross. and i thought to myself, this is a form of self abuse.

i have no desire to do that. so why do i continue to do it with food and alcohol?

and the harder i try not to, the harder my habits and patterns push back.

i can honestly say that i feel loved and i feel hopeful and i really don’t want to hate or hurt myself.

so how do you break the cycle? how do i break this cycle?

that’s the hard part. the diet, the exercise-that’s the easy part. it’s this undoing of a lifetime of hurting that, for me, is the hard part.

babies + clothing swap = bad mood

today was a friend’s birthday. she decided to do brunch and a clothing swap. all of her friends are a couple of years younger then i am and they ALL HAVE BABIES…thank you… i really needed a reminder that i am single, almost 35, and have no babies.

also, clothing swaps, while a super awesome idea, are like, really tough if your not a size 6-8. wow, cool, i’ll just look at the accessories again, because clearly what i need are more shoes and bags-you know, cuz they always fit. snarl.

anyway, it just made me want to go and drink beer and smoke cigarettes. which  i didn’t do. i came home and made a nice  salad.blah blah.

also, today-i bought a scale. yup. sure did. i have NEVER owned a scale and honestly, not really excited owing it, but i figure, even if you have a map, but you don’t know where you are on the map, you are still LOST!

so there you go. went ahead bought one. even though i am convinced every time i step on the same numbers will just stare back at me from the dial. *182* *182* 182*

blink.blink.blink.

the day i look down and see some other number staring back up at me, i think i might lose it.

sigh. okay. i’m going to attempt to go for a run or go to a yoga class or something…

today. ugg

I have been sick for the last 2 days and although I managed to exercise for about 45 minutes yesterday, I feel like crap today.

I have been using the Lose It! App and that is helpful, but today I am tired and sick and hungry-even though I haven’t really done anything.

I am likely detoxing slightly as well-which is kind of scary that it can start that fast.

Hungry, headache, achy…blech. And all I want to do is eat sausage and drink beer. Which will clearly help my cold.

Ugg…

Veggie Borscht

I have been thinking about borscht for the last week and am finally making some. There are so many amazing types of beets and other local veggies available now, I just had to make this beautiful and filling soup.

I don’t think I’ve made it before-so after looking at a bunch of recipes on line, I am making up my own.  I am doing a veggie version, without beef or chicken stock.

What you need:

A large white onion

A bunch of carrots

4 or 5 beets

A couple of handfuls of baby potatos

Cabbage

Bay leaves

Vegetable bouillon cube

Salt & pepper

Garlic

1 TBL Vinegar

Fresh dill

How to make it:

Cut up the beets, potatoes and carrots into nice sized chunks. Put them in a large pot, cover with water. Put in a bit of salt and a couple of bay leaves. Bring to a boil and then let simmer for 20-30 minutes.

Meanwhile!

Dice the onion and cabbage. In a large pot-preferably something with a heavy bottom, saute the onion and cabbage, adding salt and pepper to taste. Saute until both the onion and the cabbage are sort of translucent.

Once the potatoes, carrots and beets are done, strain them and save the water-this will become part of the broth for the soup.

Boil some hot water for the veggie bouillon cube. I always do a ratio of 1 cube : 1 cup water

Now everything is going to go into the pot with the onions and cabbage. Add garlic and vinegar.

Stir together and let simmer.

The fresh dill will go in right at the end.

jumping in

We are not actually starting at the beginning. This is a story that has been going on for a long, long time. This is just the start of documenting the last chapter.

For the last 2 months I have been paying attention and being mindful. Of what I eat, how much I am sleeping, what kind of exercise and how much I am doing, how much I’m drinking. And how and why I do more or less then of any of these things.

Was it a good day? Was it a bad day? Did I feel lonely, was there a celebration? What are all the factors that keep me looping through negative behaviours.

Fact-I have been over weight for most of my life. Fact- 3 years ago I lost 30 pounds and have kept them off. Fact-I have 20-30 pounds left to go.

I am sick of feeling sick and tired. I am sick and tired of hating photos of myself and feeling left out.

I am sick of feeling that I am not in charge of my life, which is ultimately how I feel.

So here we go. I am breaking the 180 mark and I have decided to document it. Whether anyone reads this is a moot point. It calls me to task and maybe will help me or someone else.